Pacing and priorities

The excuse I’ve been giving myself for not blogging is that I’m too busy doing things to write about them. And it’s true, the pace of change in my life at the moment is much faster than I’m used to and by the time I’ve processed one thing enough to write about it loads more has happened. So the moment passes and thoughts stay in my head instead of being written down. Which is fine, I have a lot to do to rehabilitate myself and try to create a more normal life at my improved (but still very impaired) level of energy. I’ve enjoyed being able to crack on with things that I need/want to do in addition to dealing with the basic necessities.

What has become apparent over the last couple of weeks though, is that I don’t cope very well when circumstances conspire against me and I have to deal with unexpected events. Nor am I very skilled at judging how much ongoing effort and attention will be required once I set something in motion. For example: Ordering a new pair of trousers is easy – I can do that lying on my bed. Trying them on, finding they are far too small, returning them to exchange for the next size up, trying them on, finding that they are ludicrously too big and returning them for refund uses up a considerable amount of time and energy. And the end result is that I still need new trousers, I’ve wasted a load of precious time and energy, and I’m miserable about being entirely the wrong shape for manufactured clothes…

Still, learning anything worthwhile involves making mistakes and, as I recovered from my latest set-back due to too many events outside my control colliding with my own over-optimism about how much I could achieve, it occurred to me that prioritising writing might slow me down enough to avoid overwhelm. On the other hand, it might depress me to observe too closely how slow my progress towards rehab actually is. Chronic illness hasn’t altered my fundamental preference for quick wins over slow and steady achievement. You can’t turn a hare into a tortoise by strapping a shell to its back.

My vague plan for the rest of the summer is to focus this month on enjoying having first my niece and then an old friend to stay. As I haven’t had house-guests since I moved here eight years ago the prospect is both exciting and scary. Still, I’m very glad I feel ready and willing to take such a big step outside my comfort zone AND in the month I usually find most trying health-wise. After that I’m hoping to spend August doing more art. I have almost completely neglected my creative life in favour of getting on with practical matters over the last few months, so I want to see what I can achieve if I make creativity my priority for a while.

I might write about it, I might not…

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