For most of last couple of weeks I have rested a LOT more than I usually do and it has certainly benefited my physical health. Only a little, but enough to begin to be noticeable in terms of a bit more energy and a bit less brain fog. Which is the good. The bad was the effect on my mental and emotional health.
I was so bored, miserable and lonely by last Friday that I blew all my energy gains on a trip into town, an orgy of telephone socialising and an epic session on the internet researching an intriguing aspect a friend’s family history. It was wonderful – a temporary delusion of normality.
I knew I was overdoing it and would have to pay, but I even enjoyed the awareness that I was behaving in a reckless, self-destructive manner. It’s bloody difficult to be sensible all the time when doing the right thing to manage ME/CFS cuts you off from the world. And really, is what I did any worse than a healthy person having another glass of wine when they know they’ve already had more than enough?
Naturally I spent yesterday in bed feeling like shite. I don’t feel that great today either, but I’ve more or less succeeded in not mentally beating myself up for Friday’s lapse. It was necessary and all part of the learning process.
The last couple of weeks or so have been instructive. It was pretty much essential that I took some time out for the sake of my physical health and by cutting off my usual distractions I also gained some useful (if painful) insights into my emotional needs.
How I’m going to meet all my needs with the resources at my disposal is an “interesting” question. Clearly I need a lot more rest than I have been getting, but how to meet that need and a) keep up with all the domestic necessities, b) not go stark raving doolally?