This week I have been feeling less positively ill, but still very low on energy. I’m not getting enough rest thanks to noisy neighbours, menopausal hot flushes and the annoying feature of ME/CFS that means the more exhausted you are the harder it is to sleep. I’ve even detected signs of the crazy thinking of my last weeks in a particularly stressful contract when I stopped even trying to relax “because I’ll only have to get wound up again in the morning”. Only now it’s more a case of “it’s not worth trying to relax because any minute now some other loud noise will disturb me”. Stress really does make you go nuts.
Looking back I can see that I’ve made some piss-poor decisions due to stress. Including flat out refusing to believe that I could possibly succumb to it myself. I’m trying to bear that in mind as I get on with the fairly ruthless decluttering exercise that has evolved as this month’s priority task. I had planned to make August holiday time, doing more art and having a few staycation treats. But once I started to feel capable of doing more than just exist all I wanted to do was have a really good purge of stuff around the house. Whether this is a good idea or not, I don’t know, but it’s the only activity which engages my attention and energy at the moment.
Life is always a balancing act between what is good for my mental health and what is good for my physical health. At the moment I’m willing to take the risk of making myself physically ill (again) for the sake of creating space in my home by getting rid of stuff that is no longer useful or beautiful to me. The state of my house tends to reflect the state of my mind, and the urge to clear it is usually a positive sign.“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful,or believe to be beautiful.” William Morris